Authenticity

What does authenticity even mean? I once worked with a CEO who would say that the most important attribute they wanted to see in the culture was authenticity. Every time they said it, I would ask, "what do you mean by that? What does an authentic culture look like?"

When I google Authentic, the inter webs tell me it is an adjective that means "genuine." "Real."

What is genuine? I think of qualities like speaking the truth even when it may not be what you think people want to hear, because it is what is true for you. I also think it means showing up who you are and being comfortable sharing that. And, being curious to accept others for how they show up and what they say – especially when it is something different than how and what you would do or say.

In elementary school, my oldest son M had some run ins with the principal too. I would always say M's "give a damn" was broken. I meant that M would never worry about pleasing anyone.

For example: in kindergarten, M's teacher wanted the students to sit "criss cross applesauce" on the floor as they would review their letters. She would call out a letter and ask what words start with that letter.

Teacher: What starts with A? Students: Apple! Animal! And for the star student: Aardvark!

This was not something that M enjoyed. I would get email after email from the teacher that M wasn't doing as he was told. "Yes." I thought. "Because he feels no need to please you. He's doing what is authentic to him."

I knew this would serve him well later in life, so I didn't want to work to get him to behave a lot differently. Instead, we talked about how to not only be real for yourself, but also how to be a productive member of the class. We talked about ways he could enjoy the Alphabet quiz: sit still and daydream, try to come up with the most creative word, try to make a sentence with as many words that start with that letter – "Aunt Alice's Alligator Accepts Ants At Afternoon tea."

A few days later I got a call from the principal. He was furious. So was the teacher who was also on the phone. Apparently that morning during the alphabet quiz:

Teacher: What begins with T? M: Toilet! Students: Laughter

Teacher ignores M and moves to the next letter.

Teacher: What begins with P? M: Poop! Students: Chaos and laughter. Teacher (not willing to be defeated): What else begins with P? M: Pee!

The principal and teacher were less than amused. I was proud. Proud that M had found an authentic way to participate in the kindergarten morning ritual. "Well, it is creative and following directions. And I'm impressed he was following a theme across many letters. That shows some real intelligence."

M's always had an easy time not only making friends, but somehow being the leader of his friend groups. Kids like him and want to follow him. I asked him recently how he goes about making friends. He said he doesn't try. He just is himself and people either want to be friends with him or they don't. And the ones that do, are awesome friends that truly like him.

I think it is more than that. I think he's not trying to please anyone. He's not trying to be someone he's not, or worry about what other people think. That authenticity is what attracts his friends and makes them want to follow his lead.

I think the same is true at work. When we stay in who we are, and show up authentically, it resonates with people. It is real. People can smell fake from a mile away. And they hate inconsistent which I think is an effect of not being 100% authentic.

So what about that CEO? One time we went to a coffee shop together. The CEO ran into a woman they knew and introduced me: "This is my daughter's best friend from high school." As we walked out the CEO said, "My daughter can't stand her." Then what made the CEO introduce her as "best friend" rather than "went to high school with my daughter"? The CEO was clearly trying to make that woman feel good. I knew from that point forward that this CEO wasn't authentic.

Showing up real. Saying what we think even when we think it might be unpopular. Worrying about pleasing ourselves and not others. These are keys to great leaders and great friends. Thanks to M for the reminder that a "broken give a damn" is a quality that can serve us.

xo – J